Visibles Later

It was great living in an apartment instead of a dorm room, so you could have more space, and move from place to place and still be home.

So.. now you have crap strewn across several rooms, instead of contained to just one.

Packing is.. going. I got frustrated and starting taking down the posters somewhat prematurely, if you're going by tradition. I think it felt like I wasn't making progress at all since it wasn't visible. Weird.

Just found a home for my bed in a very nearby house of a friend.. she has an empty room she would love to transform into a guest room. I would love to put off deciding what to do with my bed for a full year. Viola. If I move back to Kansas, I can totally just get it back from her.

Yeah, I said if I move back to Kansas. That is still up in the air, and not something I can even begin to think about seriously right now. I don't like to admit to being stressed out, but I can't ignore the fact that I locked my keys in the car twice yesterday and have been crying a lot, and randomly. I like to know that I can come back... as I wrote in my little freestyle ditty on pale orange paper: It's good to know there's room in Kansas for me; space in the wheat state where I can be free. But all I can handle right now are possibilities, not decisions. There's enough motion for me for now.

I react in ways that make my roommate say I show "no integrity." Maybe he's right.. I feel a little scattered; to be integera is to be whole, one unit. But if he means my actions and decisions and words and admonitions don't mesh into one another.. then he doesn't know me quite as well as I might have thought. When the ends of my rope are frayed, I actually do have a tendency to act out a little... always responsibly, as is my way. Those surprising words the other night were mine. "I can make all the terrible decisions I want. I'm leaving." I begin to feel pressed for time, and take action to do and say all the things I might not have the chance to do or say soon. I begin to feel like in a few weeks, none of it will matter anyway, because I'll be far away. I do a few things that seem on the surface uncharacteristic of me. But that's how I cope with the fact that it's hard to leave.

It's all good stuff I'm headed for, I know. I don't want to seem ungrateful, which is part of my hesitance to even admit to being upset. I'm going to see my family soon. On the way there, some really good friends. And then, GHP. And then? Japan! It's all good, all of it exciting and amazing. But the impending adventures still hang just above me, and that little part of my heart that gets mutinous every time I wrench it out of its new home is complaining again. How many times will you do this to me? I may be used to packing and moving. I'm also tired of it. Not enough, just yet, to stop it. But I can feel that mutinous part moving within me, slow and inexorable like the tide.