Easter: the Other Important Thing

I said that two important things happened on Easter, and that the first was my return to facebook. This was literally the first, as it occurred at 12:00am as soon as it became Easter on the official.

The other was that I went to church.

It isn't that I've never been to church, or even that I never go. I used to go fairly often in Georgia, when I was in town. I attended Johnny's church quite happily because the pastor was so darn good, I didn't even mind that I felt like an outsider. They didn't make me feel like an outsider, I did that to myself, just to be clear. I liked then and still like a lot of Christian doctrine, but I'm missing some of the crucial parts that would make me feel comfortable calling myself an outright Christian. Still, pastors often have some really solid lessons, based on really solid goodness that I like to hear.

Anyway, at Easter's service I fretted about being "stereotypical" and "statistical" in my attendance, and pestered Erin until it was time for her to go up and sing. She encouraged me to "go and make friends," but I always feel a little weird making church friends, because I feel like I'm then making friends under false pretenses. Because I am there, they will be even more likely to assume I am Christian, and trying to live a good Christian life just as they are. And while I don't find it necessary to explain from the get-go that, "hi, I like your Christ, but not all of your Christianity," I fear that later when they do find out, they will feel disappointed or somehow cheated.

But once the lesson got started, it was about letting go of feelings just like that, about letting go of not feeling good enough. 'Letting go' in general is a topic that is good to teach me over and over again. She made allusions to getting new clothes for Easter, and talked about how important it was to discard that old stuff, citing three big areas that people tend to cling to.. "I am my family history," "I am what I do," and "I am what others do to me."

Twenty points if you can guess which one hit me the hardest. As a firm believer in personal responsibility, of course, it was number two! I've been wrapped up in this idea regarding D$ for a long time, actually, quite concerned with what how I handle this whole thing says about me.. what kind of person I have to be in order to do or say this or that. I got a gentle reminder that there's something bigger than me out there, something actually boundless.. and that love is never a mistake.

I'm still coming to terms with what has blossomed into genuine disinterest in what D$ has to offer.. but on Sunday, I knew that I'd forgiven him, and I remembered the corollary to that.. I recalled a little the beauty of just letting go.

This coming Sunday is going to be a sort of continuation on the theme. I think I'll go.