..spring indeed (grumble)

The equinox has come and gone and we in the northern hemisphere are now getting more sunlight than darkness. Provided, of course, that the clouds allow it to pass through and reach us here on earth.

This does not, apparently, require it to become springlike in any weather fashion. Chilly grey weather has progressively worsened over the course of the week. Today's sleet, snow, and freezing rain (or "wintry mix," as they call it down at the weather channel) actually caused my tutoring job to be canceled today! Which I certainly don't mind, as I was not relishing the idea of driving to Kansas City in this weather.

This would not, by the way, be the ACT tutoring, but GRE tutoring which I've begun with an extremely intelligent woman from Libya. Her challenge will be the GRE verbal, which is of course a challenge even for English-speaking native sons.

Anyway, I'm crossly stationed in my apartment, unwilling to do the bundling required to face windchill of even 20 degrees. Since the weather does tend to have a pretty big impact on my mood, I've been cranky lately.

Last night was my first night back as food expediter at Zig's. People seemed happy to have me. I, in turn, was happy to have a food runner assistant.

Still, it felt like old times when I rolled up and had to bend my head to the windy cold, since I last worked there in December. I suppose if I got random 60-degree days in January, I must also accept random freezing rain and sleet in late March.

Blah, I say!

The grass has begun to green! The trees, to bud!

The photo doesn't really capture the way the wind is blowing those clumpy flakes around.


Hey, ice layer, hey.

Spring Breaaaaak! Woooo!

Well, I'm back in Kansas, the laundry is done, the email is checked, and the bills are paid. I'll admit to being daunted by the prospect of detailing my whole trip into blog format, but I think I'll instead take a different tack, noting random things as they come back to me. I'll give a(nother) brief outline so that it'll be possible to place the events in time as I go.

14 KS
15 TX
16 TX
17 TX
18 TX/MD
19 MD
20 VA
21 VA
22 DC
23 MD

14th - Afternoon spent packing, evening spent at beer tasting with Heath and friends. I hang out with the band and am super cool.

the band, once onstage and no longer hanging out with me

15th - Mostly spent driving south to Texas with Erin, a great roadtrip experience; evening at her sister's house. Australia.

In the parking lot just before taking off!

16th - Slept in, went for a walk in the sunny warm day in Houston, TX, talked in the pretty spring-livened park; met her father and toured their house; curry and mojitos, gelato and Rock Band II. Let the Right One In.
17th - "felix felicis day" .. lunch at the Hobbit Cafe, afternoon in art gallery and sculpture garden, then on to Rice campus where we discovered free pie; what begins cloudy turns into the most beautiful day this year. Rushmore.

in the sculpture garden

OMG, send me to Rice-- they have swings.

(and also, free pie, and men dressed like this guy in the green hat... how can I lose?)

18th - another breakfast with Erin, a delayed flight to BWI, reunite with Joe and spend evening talking in coffeeshop, and night-time karaoke at a local bar.

Dooon't stop...

19th - going-away-party brunch for a girl who seems really cool (but whom I don't know) is delicious, afternoon of lyng about watching Fellowship of the Ring extended DVD, more walking about Annapolis talking. Evening at going-away-party part II, night-time hanging out with Zack and Alexandra, then Paul.

Hello Annapolis, you charming little town.

20th - morning commuter bus to DC metro, metro to Dean's parents, Dean's parents to Charlottesville, VA. Afternoon with Dean and fine food, evening at the Libel show, night-time at the cast party (til the cops shut us down).
21st - Virginia countryside, lunch at a colonial inn, wine tasting in the afternoon, and South African dinner experience; Rock Band II with "Slashlee" and "Reijdt" who join via interweb.
22nd - sunny and warmer; I find it silly to pass right through DC again without stopping, plus that is where Emily C will be that day. We talk and have a late lunch, and walk around the mall area, from Smithsonian to the basin, to Jefferson, then Lincoln, WWII, and back up to Washington. Dinner at Ray's Hell Burger with her boyfriend, and I crash at Dylan's place.

The cherry trees are about to bloom!

Jefferson!

23rd - morning commuter bus to Annapolis, spend the day walking and talking with Joe, wandering around campus and wondering about the future. As the afternoon dwindles I drive us to BWI, and then fly home in a storm.

Yay!

Unfortunately, my camera died some time in Texas, and I hadn't brought my battery charger. Whoops!

Trip Triangulation: 3157 miles

Tomorrow I am leaving for my spring break adventure. As usual, I could not take a simple plan, or even a single plan for the break, but insisted upon a triangulation trip: multitask-master at work. It's just the packing for it that's going to be a beast.

Google Maps is the best! (Double true)

So here's how this is going to go:

First, and most grueling, I'm driving to Texas with Erin. This occurs tomorrow beginning at 8am and ending, apparently, at about 8pm. We'll spend a few days there with her family. St. Patrick's Day is to be spent with her older sister (who manages a bar), and/or going to the beach, depending on the weather. I treasure the possibility of warmth.

From Houston, I'll be using my Southwest credit from that Nashville trip to fly up to Baltimore to stay with my friend Joe. This will occur on Wednesday afternoon. Friday morning, I am riding with Dean's parents down to Charlottesville to see him in the UVA Libel Show, a musical lampoon written and produced by the law students each year. We'll be back up in the DC area on Sunday so I can see my friend Captain Cook from my Rome semester and hang out with Joe some more until it is time for me to fly back to Kansas City on Monday.

All of this has me going about 3157 miles as the crow flies. Awesome!

We might have left earlier and allowed ourselves more time in Texas, but Erin and I each have stuff going on today. She has a girls' group night out in KC, and I'm going to Heath's beer tasting party in about half an hour.

Will, naturally, keep you "posted" (haha, get it?)!

View from the Vlinderhaus

So I was thinking just now about how I have a great tendency to just pick up the habits and customs of those around me in daily life, because it's easier than being stubborn. If something's really important to me, I'll do what I do, but in general my environment has a huge effect on me. I was thinking about this because I got my job back at Zig's yesterday; the me that is a teacher-figure is still in me, but now the restaurant me is going to be brought back.. and they have a great deal in common, although there is also a great deal of difference.

This got me to thinking about my home environment, where I live, and what that makes of me. I thought I'd look around and share the view from here.

A week or so ago, my mother said the word "Vlinderhaus," in reference to my blog, Vlinder being Dutch for butterfly. I loved the sound of it, so I naturally asked her to spell that and grabbed my favorite temporary-information storage utensil, the fridge marker.

Please ignore anything offensive on this board; we are vulgar at the Vlinderhaus.

The fridge board used to be attached to my door at Vandy, which is why it looks so awesome. The "Party Like" is from the end of senior year when I made a list of different things each day that were my partying role models. I'm remembering something like "a pirate goddess," and "your team just kicked some major ass," etc... I also recieved many suggestions from hallmates, in good fun. I hadn't the heart to erase it when Aasritha encircled it with her own sketch of Il Primo Bacio (which I first saw being drawn on a sidewalk in Rome and with which I have since filled my home). The random seaweed and "RA EmLem" are from 2006 and 2008 GHP, respectively. The fridge board is where we keep scattered bits of information together - phone numbers, notes to self, things to do, grocery lists, and life observations (shortly after this was taken, my roommate added "Pooh is THAT guy." and reminded me that he goes to Rabbit's house, and Rabbit is like "I'm not home, go away," and Pooh goes in anyway, and is like "Hey man, you got honey?" and then eats all his freakin' honey). My observation of imaginary scorekeeping was added just after I got home from KC that time my roommate had to drive all the way out there to bring me the spare key. Granted, giving each other a copy of our own car key was possibly the smartest thing we ever did, I still feel like a total tool when I have to call him from halfway across Lawrence, much less from Kansas City. I briefly considered asking some sketchy dudes hanging about the parking lot if they could help me break in, and decided against it.

Anyway, my point is, I liked the word, and it's still there even now!

I love coppery things anyway.

This butterfly thing was something I picked up very randomly somewhere a while back, I think at some kind of garage sale. I initially got it because I intended to give it to L, since butterflies have been her thing since elementary school. I ended up just keeping it; last year at school, I hung it on my wall and let it remind me of her. Now it's in our front entryway because it's symbolic.

My roommate has ordered this bookcase by book height.

Another instance of my inability to give away gifts is this thingy.. I got it in Nassau on our cruise vacay because I meant to give it to Anna. Since I wasn't able to see her for a while, it sat on my windowsill overlooking my tossing and turning through the summer of 2007. Then, I kept it, and now it chills on my bookcase being awesomely singular.

Anyway.. one thing I know that is interesting about life at the Vlinderhaus is our eating habits. From my locked-out-of-car example, you already know that my roommate is pretty much the best roommate I could ask for. Naturally, we piss each other off in all the little ways. Dishes, messes, and the like for the most part. Leaving the blinds open when you leave the apartment tends to be a big deal to him.. and he, like most people who did not graduate from Dennis's creative dishwasher stuffing academy, stuffs a dishwasher in the least sensible way. But overall, we hang out together pretty frequently, enjoying TV together (Scrubs, Heroes, and How I Met Your Mother are kind of our dual faves).

We usually enjoy these shows while eating, actually. Our dinner ritual has become something I really enjoy. We cook up something, sometimes fantastic, sometimes 'meh,' and then sit down to see what the DVR has caught us recently.

So who is it that does the cooking? Hannah recently asked us which of us cooked more and we blinked at one another in surprise. "I guess.. it's pretty equal," he said. I was thinking the same. This kicks ass, because it does require me to grow in experience and creativity when it comes to picking out recipes and cooking them. But it really rules to be in the kitchen mincing garlic and to be able to say, "Um, can you come cut up the peppers, because there's no way I'll get it all done before we have to add it to the pan!" We help each other out. Also, he makes phenomenal curry.

Here he makes Indian-style ground turkey with spinach. This is back in August.

Anyway, we were both going to join Erin's household for dinner one night, and Brittany was in charge of food. She asked if there was anything she ought to know about our eating habits. I am a little bit proud of my ability to eat almost anything. Neither allergies nor good sense prevent me from any of it. "Roommate's a vegetarian on Mondays and Wednesdays," I told her. She thought I was kidding.

But I wasn't; because of his religious views (Hinduism), Roommate really doesn't eat meat on Monday or Wednesday. And, the rest of the time, he doesn't eat beef or pork. Since we cook together, we also shop together, and since we shop together, we don't buy much beef or pork.. it would be silly of me to make a recipe with stuff he can't eat anyway, since then I'd have to eat all four to six servings myself. Consequently, I don't really eat much beef or pork. And, on Mondays and Wednesdays, I'll often have little to no meat at all. It never stops me from ordering a big juicy burger at restaurants, and in fact sometimes encourages me to (I don't have beef at home, so I probably should stock up right now).. but just by default, I think I'm eating healthier because of Roommate. Most recipes that call for ground beef can easily be substituted with ground turkey. And turkey bacon is really delicious to me.. I like it more than he does, and maybe even more than I like regular bacon (even typing that made me feel a little wrong inside).

Between us, though, I'm the fructophyle, so the fruit bowl and how full it is (or for that matter, how fast it empties) is usually a matter of my shopping. "Ooh! Mangoes!" From Erin I picked up eating carrots whole.


I have a tendency to never empty the drainboard; he likes things to be put away just-so. I don't mind washing up unless I just cooked. And yes there are kids' drawings on the fridge. Some kids will do that even for a sub. I didn't know where else to put them, plus it makes our apartment look homey. The fruit bowl is piled so high because in this photo it also has all the other non-fridge produce in it too.

All in all, I love having a kitchen with real pots and pans, and real ingredients in it. There was one day that I flipped through the recipe book, found something I thought sounded good, and then discovered that we actually had all the ingredients on hand right then. I felt like I had arrived.

Speaking generally, I'm pretty proud of the space we've created over the course of the time we've been here. This is a shot from the kitchen door:


The chairs are each garage sale issue, $1 apiece (with the glass-top table that they partnered.. now outside on the patio). The couch was a $40 Goodwill acquisition, from Olathe-- I was smug about that one too. The coffee table you can hardly see is actually the latest addition (thank goodness; it makes eating in front of the TV so much easier!). It is a combination of a large glass rectangle we discovered upon moving in, and a perfectly good TV stand someone discarded recently. Vates and I found it by the dumpster two weeks ago and shuffled it on in. The table at the far right is where most of my magic happens.. this is where I sit to blog, write letters, and do my work. I like it better than my desk in my room, probably because at this table I can see out of three windows at once, plus the patio door. The table was free too.. Roommate, Vates, and I were going for a walk (Vates being in town causes free furniture to find us) when we saw it on the curb. We asked the people there if it were trash, and they said no, it was a perfectly good table they wanted someone to take. Without further ado, we hefted it and took turns carrying the ends all the way back to the apartment! We paid full price for the desk and our own TV stand, modest as they are, so I won't mention those.


My room desk is a good alternative when Roommate is watching TV and I can't focus on my work. The sweet corner piece was a garage-sale find.. I happened to be out walking on a Saturday, and the people were nice enough to put it on a pickup truck and help me haul it in to my room. This room is significantly more awesome than it was when I first arrived:


Aaaand finally!

Here's to my roommate, showing how we live it up in the Vlinderhaus: gracefully, and with mismatched, free furniture. And plants.

From Vandy, First Year

I decked myself out in a snazzy purple turtleneck, skinny jeans, and clip-clop Italian boots, trying to strike a balance between looking well put-together, staying warm, and wearing the things I can't wear when I am going to work having to look "professional." Then I found this and smiled.

I became what one will become
Beneath the chilly winter sun,
Confinement does me good and so
I love trapped chaos and don't let go,

But when I taste the warming wind
I am tshirt-jeans again,
And when I smell the growing grass,
Time distilled inside may pass,
And I long to live, perchance to die,
To taste freedom or to fly,
I was collared shirts until
Spring returned, us all to fill,
We were living but forgot what's life,
With pain our pleasure has been rife,
Yet with pleasure too our pain has been,
We can't complain when this sets in,
But only move and only change,
Perhaps be tshirt-jeans again.

-3/22/05

Three "Atypical" Weekends (in a row): The Good Visits

This upcoming weekend is the beginning of spring break, for KU, for the KC school district, and also for USD 497. I should get ready for this weekend, I think, because it won't be like a normal weekend. This got me to thinking, what is a normal weekend for us here? I realized that our constant is the uncertainty. Patterned life at the Butterfly Apartment is not. Perhaps, at least for now, it's that it isn't homework, it isn't weekly meetings or college games, and that is where our adventure lies.

Today, some photos from the past three weekends.

Nashville first! I already wrote about my interview weekend some, but I failed to mention Saturday's adventures. I haven't gone into it in detail because it was generally more of the same: good friends, good fun, good memories.

It was already beginning to suggest spring in Nashville. <3

We caught up with Lindsay after her performance for prospective students at Blair. She came to ANYF! (I hold up my program like a newspaper to mark the date)

John was also in attendance for ANYF.

In conclusion, we all went to ANYF.

I don't have good photos of ANYF, although it was generally to be described as kick-ass. It turns out, it's rather hard to take photos of a stage in the dark when those on it are moving pretty quickly in dance movements. I'm sure videos will surface eventually; Souran Bushi was was more awesome than it's ever been when I was in it, and the Korean Fan Dance (+ breakdancing) was featured on the Vandy front page and the header of the monthly e-newsletter! I'm so proud!

Post-show, the Souran-Bushi dancers entertain/are entertained by an awesome kid who will one day grow up to be a fitness instructor, dance choreographer, or diplomat.

The post-ANYF celebration was a low-key gathering at a friend's apartment; it may or may not have included one of the JET interviewers, and we may or may not have discussed my and my colleagues' chances of getting in. [A few days ago, Tokyo demanded a letter from a doctor stating that my migraines would not be an issue in the event I might be living in Japan for a year. You know.. liability issues. Hello Nihon!]

The following weekend was going to be a low-key thing, until I saw the Bottleneck marquee on Thursday afternoon proclaiming that Joshua Radin was performing Friday night. I had recently begun to listen to Joshua Radin CDs because Vates gave them to me for this purpose. I called Vates in from St. Louis.

Vates and I wait in line to get into the Bottleneck for the concert.

It was pretty cold out there, more because it followed on the heels of a warm snap. (These past few days have been just below freezing, but feel like the cold dead end of the world for the fact that it was up at 82 at the end of last week)

The Bottleneck turned out to be a nice, kinda grunge, kinda hip rock bar which did not make you feel as though you were a thousand miles from the performers (hello marjor concert venues).

This is me taking pictures from behind the stage: Jesse Harris performs.

I liked the openers a lot, but my favorite thing was the way Joshua told stories about his different songs, how they were concieved and written, or wherefrom inspired. Stuff like that enhances my appreciation of a thing; now when I listen to it on CD, I remember too why he wrote it.

Johsua Radin, the man himself.

So anyway, even though Vates came to visit that end-weekend of February, we still kept to my originally designated plan of going to StL on the weekend after that. So hopped in my car on Friday, already tickled to be "halfway there." (Kansas City is not in fact half way to St. Louis. It is approximately the state of Missouri away.)

As we know already, I am crazy about parks. We snagged Vates' friend Marty and headed to the enourmous Forest Park in StL to enjoy the balmy afternoon.

The art museum, located in this park, is pretty awesome. Also, free (but they take donations).

"Hey! Look frat-boy contemplative!"

Kids and their kites. Sweet.

The big water feature at the bottom of Art Hill.

Try to pretend you don't know Marty is taking a photo of us all...

After lunch/dinner, but before the Imax Watchmen experience. Marty, Vates, brothers of Vates, and that girl.

And finally... an iconic St. Louis picture. Allow me to enhance your appreciation by stating that this was taken through my car's side window by me as I merged onto I-70. Picture me holding my camera sideways at arm's length without even looking at it as I press the shutter button. NOT BAD, EH? I treasure the "kids and pets" setting on my new camera.

So I guess this weekend won't be much different than those that have come before it, except that I'll be spending it here in town, with people who live here in town... eh?

Oh, right.. just before I leave town. Details on that triangulated piece of lovliness to follow...

(There, and) Back Again

I've been doing some thinking. I'm not sure I could ever not be doing thinking, but I've been doing it. And a little math, too.

What with the recession and all, this sub gig might have dried up more or less for good. I am starting to get the feeling that they have cracked down on the teachers, saying "no more sick days unless you are dying," or, they are skimping on subs and having regular teachers cover classes during their planning periods. Either that, or I'm totally blacklisted from district work.

My last 'big' check arrived today, its size owing to the fact that I get more per day in a long-term assignment, not to mention the more-days inherent in that term. My last full week of Latin-subbing has come to its eventual result.

It's quite possible that I have done what I needed to do within this substitute thing and it is receding as quickly and strangely as it appeared. But if it's really gone, I'm not sure the Kaplan KC thing is going to be enough.

So I've been seriously thinking about going back to Zig's and asking for my job back. It makes me feel good that the last time I was there, several waitresses asked when I was coming back. Not having the heart (nor the certainty) to say never, I said once I stopped making enough money at subbing. Well, that day might be quickly on its way. In April, I'll be doing a GRE class with Kaplan here in town, but I'm still not sure that'll make it up.

I have felt a bit sentimental at times, and I have missed the restaurant stuff now and then. I suppose it wouldn't be so terrible to go back and work a bit less hard for a lot less dollars. I may go up there tomorrow and talk to the manager I still know (they replaced the GM just after I left, and I don't know him basically at all, but the kitchen manager thinks I am pretty cool).

I'm still piecing together the cosmic implications of the idea that I had a specific task to complete, for myself and in service to the universe, and that it was maybe these several weeks of Latin teaching (+ learning I am not meant to teach first grade + kind of liking the idea of English teaching), and now I'm done with this piece of it. Wrapping up is strange. I have my very last day in that classroom on March 30th, when their real teacher is in Nashville (of course!) with the Greek class.

I used to count my work weeks in terms of hours, not dollars. Even when I scan my schedule like that, though, I could be doing more. I don't mean that like it sounds. But already, even knowing I 'worked' today, and even though it took much longer than it should have because I locked my keys in the car and had to make my poor roommate drive all the way to KC to bring the spare... I've still got most of the day to just hang out. Not that this is a bad thing, and not that I shouldn't be prepping my ACT lesson for Friday (and yes, I do get paid for prep time also, just not quite as much).

Perhaps it's time to effect a return! Someone tell me, was I stressed out at the restaurant job because I had no other change of scenery, and no other friends, then?

Somewhere Under the Rainbow

I realized sometime on Friday, as my actual position became more clear to me: I work for the man.

And not the good kind, not the life-affirming man. I work for the man I've never understood nor liked much.

Here's how this happened:

The school district in which I now make my meager living has to maintain a bunch of stuff in order to be accredited. This includes having a certain number of seniors making a certain level of scores on the ACT. Our current goal is getting as many people as possible to score over a 21.

Now I don't think I have to tell you how I feel about standardized tests; they are great for college, as long as they are part of an overall picture, but testing the hell out of our kids isn't going to make them smarter, or even see how much they know. It's going to see how well they take standardized tests. Once again, a fine skill for measuring college aptitude (I.. guess?) but not, I think, for judging a school's merits.

So what's happening is, this district needs to pull it up, so they've called in the experts. Kaplan really does have some sweet techniques that will make test-taking a lot easier for these students. But, they are seniors. And it's March. It's too late to be applying to school, so unless they are taking the year off, they have already either gotten into the school they want to go to, or they have decided not to go-- a higher score can help them personally because they can get more money from some schools, but mostly this is something that will help the school record and boost toward accreditation. They are now being pulled out of this or that class every couple of days so I can teach them how to better take the test.

And sure, they'll be kicking the crap out of the test, if they pay attention and put in a little effort. But they're missing real class for this, because somewhere high up there was a mandate that these kids within a certain scoring range go through a certain number of tutoring hours and retake the test. I feel bad for them, even as I am trying to motivate them to listen to me and do what I say.

I want to believe that I am helping someone by giving them the tools to improve their lives. I want schools to be rich and full of resources, and clamoring with kids who want to make the most of all of it.

It's about time for me to go back to Fantasy Land (GHP), eh?

Lilies

"Consider the lilies o' the goddamn field!" - Ulysses Everett McGill, O Brother Where Art Thou?

I've mentioned that my life is in a period of relatively rapid change. Change is proposed to me, I tend to say yes, and then perhaps even the next day I am in a slightly different life.

On the first day that I began to worry about the way substitute jobs have lately seemed sparse, I was called in the afternoon by Kaplan in Kansas City. I had been asked before by my boss in Lawrence if I were willing to commute at all to the KC center.. I said I was open to the possibility. I am open to a lot of possibilities, right? They do pay mileage in sitations like this, so it's actually kind of like getting paid to drive and listen to my CDs.

After a brief explanation, I shrugged and took the job, and promised to be at a high school in KC by 8am the next morning to proctor a diagnostic ACT in preparation to teach a shortened ACT course.

At this point, Wednesday, I was nervous and wondered if I'd made the right choice. With my life's sense of irony, I would probably get sweet sub calls for the next two days just because I now planned to be away (KC Thursday, and I was originally planning to take Friday off to drive to St. Louis for Vates' birthday celebration weekend).

But, as if to encourage me, I did not get sub calls for the rest of the week. And, one assignment that was scheduled for the future (which actually conflicted with my new job) notified me of its cancellation.

Thursday was predictably terrible. Commuting eastbound directly into the sun makes signs difficult to read, but I managed to only miss my exit one crucial time. When I got to administer the test, we had to move rooms, start late, and then go looking in other rooms for pencils and pencil sharpeners. Only about half the kids that were supposed to be taking the test had been notified, and out of that half, only about half showed up. The school gives me the impression that I, with my cutely-professional look revisited, my red hair up in a little bun, am distinctly out of place. It is a bit rough-and-tumble. I consider that Lawrence kids are wheat-bread eating happy hippie children in comparison. I am clearly not in Kansas anymore.

But to my delight, the administrator wants to make sure more kids get involved. I agree to come back the next morning to try again. This time, I bring a box of pencils, some erasers, sharpeners, and board markers. Friday is as much a success as it can be, given that our classroom is invaded during the reading test by a noisy group looking to use the computers we've left open. And I roll on to STL as planned, straight from KC.

So I feel very personally taken care of.

Three to Six Months

My name is Emily. My life changes every three to six months.

This is a trend that began about the time of spring semester, 2007, so about two years ago. It began when my long-term relationship (of two and a half years) ended and I embarked on a running train of changing locations, plans, and goals. I bounced from Nashville to Georgia, to south Georgia, back to Nashville, to Italy, back to Georgia, back to Nashville, back to Georgia/south Georgia, and off to Kansas. I participated in a rough spring semester, a summer that was by turns from hell and the supreme delight of existence (generally, life in Nashville was t3h suck, and my cruise vacation and GHP were amazing), an amazing and eye-opening fall semester abroad (sometimes hard, always incredible), a final senior semester at Vandy (balancing the twin goals of perfecting my thesis and taking it easy.. taking it all in, in my last term), a summer of dangerous expectations ballooning into failures, a fall working the ends off of restaurant business (morning prep, hostess for lunch, and expo some nights), and finally a winter of teaching. My substitute license arrived in November, about a day after Kaplan (for whom I'd applied and auditioned back in the summertime) called me in for training. Originally, I'd been slated to teach the SAT and ACT (both pre-college tests), but in early December I took the GRE (which is like the SAT of grad-school-admissions), and immediately thereafter (like, the day after), they asked me to train to teach that. Meanwhile, I was just wrapping up my first-ever classroom gig of three weeks.

Did you follow all of that? Me neither.

I trained with Kaplan and continued subbing through the winter. I was supposed to start teaching GRE prep in February, but because of economic concerns, Kaplan cut back a bit and asked me if I were still go for April. Yeah, sure.

This morning, I had my phone turned up to super-loud so that it would wake me without fail in case of job. No call came, just like Monday. Though Tuesday was spent in junior high art, that had been a pre-arranged deal. I began to get antsy. What if the subbing is drying up? We might have had snow over the weekend, but today's highs in the upper sixties melted the most of the last of the snow: spring is rolling in soon, and less people will be sick.

I start to worry that if I don't have a job for tomorrow, I should not take Friday off, although I intended to go to St. Louis that day, early, for my visit to Vates for his post-birthday celebration.

So Kaplan calls me this afternoon wanting to know if I can do an ACT class in Kansas City. And if I can start tomorrow, actually. They pay for mileage, too, which is decent.

What the hey. I want to get to know KC a little better anyway. You know. Before it's time for my life to change drastically again. Check back in three to six months.

Potentially Officially Affliliated; also, beer

As we know already, I have a tendency to relish connectivity. There's nothing better than a little web of seemingly random interconnected meaning.

Today, during my planning period/lunch break, I was browsing the interweb as one is wont to do. I remembered that I meant, last night, to look in the phone book to see if I could find some martial arts for myself. Yes, I'll only be living here a few more months, but hey, I could be back later.

Here is why: I was recently accepted by the KU Classics MA program, stipend and all (but I've always known that humanities grad students don't pay for school but are paid to be graduate teaching assistants.. I can see no other way a poor humanities major should survive unless independently wealthy). I submitted an application in a sort of just-in-case fashion, hope still being high for the JET experience. In the process of writing my cover letter, I realized that I really could gather quite a bit of enthusiasm for the program. From the ground up, Lawrence is a grea town-- this is a pretty big deal when choosing a place to spend several years, because even if your program rocks, if there is nothing for you outside of it, you'll be in a less than ideal situation. Also, the department has been nothing but great to me since the day I first wandered serendipitously into their halls posing as a prospective graduate student.

Actually, I would not have been there, but my roommate wanted to go check out the East Asian Studies department; I rode along (well, I had nothing better to do that day.. this was back in the late summer/early fall, when we didn't have friends yet). Classics was in the same building. I couldn't think of a good way to say "I'm a classics-hanger-on and would like to skulk around this department, offering tutoring and snagging friends," so I said I was "interested in the grad program." The Department Chair was busy, but she graciously suggested I come to the gathering/party the following day where I could meet and speak with grad students and more faculty.

This gathering also happened to be at the home of a name familiar to me through a professor at Vandy. This whole thing is rife with random connectivity.

I went to the party, and the Graduate Director, Professor Corbeill, told me all about the program. It seemed quite meritous, even if I were only posing as a prospective. Professor Corbeill later gave my name to a certain high school Latin teacher who was about to go on paternity leave.. without this, I would not be where I am, at this moment, sitting. This gathering was also where I met Erin, a first year grad student, and my Lawrence best.

So I filled out that application, warmly confident that it was a great program, and I am a great candidate for it. As time has passed, I've gone to a lecture or two, and hung around the department office a bit more. I even went to an afternoon translation session and made a good showing by sight-reading some Livy. In due time, I think I impressed Dr. Corbeill with my hanger-on ways, and I'm sure my shiny little transcripts didn't hurt either.

So anyway, I was looking for karate, right? And I decided to go to lawrence.com, because that's potentially a place to find all things Lawrencian. And there on the front page was this article! I beamed with pride. I know Heath from restaurant times at Zig's.. I used to be food expediter, and Heath was hands-down my favorite cook. His genuine good attitude was, especially some days, an absolute Godsend. He would laugh where others would get testy or blame me for things, and he was always upbeat and encouraging.

There in that barnyard is where I was when Professor Corbeill called me to invite me aboard the good ship KU. I had just toured the tiny facilities in my slacks and low heels on a chilly grey afternoon and was sampling a bit of the red brew courtesy of Heath when my phone rang to an unfamiliar number.

So, I might be back after all. I am not yet sure; I like the town, I like the department, and I like the connections I've made here. It's been fun being technically independent of the University, and would be cool to be in a program there. For now, we've still to wait and see what happens.

Recession Monday

This afternoon on my weekly walk to the bank (southward on the main street) and post office (northward) I saw a chalk sign in front of the Jo Shmo's that said "Recession Monday - $1 burgers."

It's a recession, alright. It's strange to have exited college just now. L sent me this a while back, and I really loved it. I felt like I could identify, in more ways than one, with its author (which is why I started following that blog).

I left a note on the blog, actually.. it's pretty recognizably me, down at the bottom.

Monetarily speaking, I am pretty broke. I am certainly not making bank on my enterprise of substitute teaching and occasionally tutoring Latin. But, I'm also handling more money than I've ever handled in my life. I walked past that $1 burger sign to the bank where I dropped off my check for two weeks of substitute teaching, a respectable sum, to me at least. People with real lives and families would probably balk at living on my income.

The recession isn't as big a deal to me because I've always been poor.. I've always trained myself to go without. Not because our family was bad off; we were fine. But I personally have never made so much money. (I don't count the grants that went toward my exorbitantly priced education.. I think, theoretically, I made like 40,000 in a year, but I never saw it.. it was all imaginary. I got a basically free frickin-awesome education instead)

I do feel the crunch in little ways. I was supposed to start teaching GRE prep classes for Kaplan back in the beginning of February. They canceled a bunch of sections though; I'll be doing it in April, now. I heard that they tightened down at the restaurant, too, where I used to work. But being a sub is both as precarious and as solid as it ever was. Teachers still get sick, and still have appointments, and still have field trips and mandatory testing. But I will only ever get paid for the days I go in.. and spans of time like spring break leave me out of work, SOL if I happen to need that money.

I'm pretty responsible, and do not feel the need to spend copious amounts of money on things like beer and cigarettes, thankfully. I treat myself on occasion (to the beer, not the cigarettes), but keep one tight fist around my wallet. Apparently, everyone does that these days.. but it's nothing new to me!

And I know this blog can be a bit on the hokey side, at times. But I honestly feel like I'm wealthy in the ways that really matter.

Gotta go.. dinner's ready.

Attempted Explanation

Last night, I was talking to my friend Christy. I told her the latest on the D$ situation and said I felt a little like a fool. When I met Brittany's dad and he asked, like everyone asks, what brought me to Kansas, Erin laughed from across the table. She hasn't known me that long, but she does know me well enough to laugh with me at the part where "you get to say you moved here for a guy." It's so unlike me! And yet, a very me thing to do.

Yep. It happens, of course, to the best of us. Why do we go anywhere? As L once said, we go for something greater than ourselves. I happened to fall in love, this one time. Which is easy enough to say now, but...

One cannot say there was a moment when I ever fell in love with anyone, but a series of moments. The string of days when we tell the story later and I say "this was how we met." Again, and again, we met. Little by little, I grew into a notion. Until finally it seemed the right thing to say. - 7/22/08

But that's not all there is to the story, of course. My whatever-it-had-been with D$ began to go south long before it was time for me to go west. Why, then, did I go? As I cobbled together those photos from the past few seasons, I also got my hands on some stuff I wrote over the summer things were coming apart with him.

I'm so scared because every time I try to find a job and I think this is the place.. this place will hire me and I will love working there! ... it doesn't pan out, it falls through.. I am going to be poor and alone in a town way the hell far out there. - 6/19/08

Well, to begin with, I was scared of doing it. This is ALWAYS, of course, a great reason to do something. (/sarcasm)

It has been a rough couple of weeks for this customer. LSU-John pointed it out, or took note of it, or something, at lunch the other day. I gave him the best answer I had.

When I coolly and frankly told him that I was simply afraid, scared about the future, about finding a job, about living in Lawrence, I think he understood. He asked, is he excited about it? I told John ‘he used to be,’ because he was.. and so was I. Things are not what they were: this is as it should be. Things are also not what I had hoped or expected. This is.. frightening? I still am going, and yet I almost cannot say why. I will admit that I have thought wildly in the past week about a mad attempt to back out of the move. Many times I have considered it.

All I can see in my mind’s eye is one horrible month in a horrible apartment, alone. And though I have seen my new apartment’s layout, and it is not at all horrible.. and though I know Dre will be there, I still worry at a whole year of something I barely stood for a month. And though I know I will find a job—I have to—I am still faced with the prospect of something unfulfilling.

What is getting me is this. I am petrified about the future. It draws ever nearer.

I am reminded that I didn’t want it to be easy. I wanted it to be right. I just wish that could be easier, sometimes. - 6/22/08

So I really did consider scrapping the idea. Taking my year off somewhere else, maybe, closer to home. But really I didn't have any other plans, and not nearly so concrete as the lease I had in KS.

This next year is going to be a journey. A sort of journey through myself to try to find out as best I can what it is I will be happy to do. I suspect that there are several things that would make me happy.. not in a sort of high all the time happy. In a hard-working fulfillment kind of way. I know far too many people who want to get away with doing as little as possible; it's not in my nature, and never was. I will never be happy seeking ways to slack off. It was never appealing to get paid for doing nothing.. doing nothing was never appealing, to begin with. Wasting time? Unless one is actively doing nothing (that is, relaxing, enjoying oneself.. but I hardly see how one could do so when on the job, on the clock, just passing time at a desk or something).

So. To be a clergywoman? A sex therapist? An editor? A teacher? I know that I freak out about these things.. I have known for years that I omg-don't-know-what-to-do-with-my-life.. but as it turns out, I operate this way with a great many things in my life. Just gotta freak out about them for a while, sometimes without knowing I'm just going through the requisite freak-out period, and then the decisions are as good as made, and were all along. Choosing a major was like that, for example.. I try too hard at decision-making because I think it is hard.

It is! Hard, I mean, to make decisions. But, not world-endingly so. - 7/13/08

Making decisions is hard when you are a stubborn person; but sticking to your decisions, that part is easier.

Some moments I stand, head high, ready to march into Kansas and take that effing town by storm. Other times, I put my weary hands on paper to fold, and I wonder, what the hell I was ever thinking. But the result will be what it will be. I cannot go for him. I will go.

For me.

To see what there is to see. Because I couldn't stand not knowing. Because there's a lot to learn away from home. And because one not win fights with God. Because life, as we learn, is hard. Decisions are, too. Finding a job, making the rent, learning to cook... all of these things lay ahead of me. This adventure is meant to be mine.

There will be days, I know it!--when I will be in Kansas and I will be crying, maybe on the floor, that pretty white carpet in the apartments, and I'll want to know why the hell I made such a dumbass decision as to move all the way out there. And if those days outnumber the good ones, I won't ever go back to Kansas after my year is over. And if they greatly outnumber the good ones, maybe I'll talk to the leasing office and work out a subleaser. But for now, I have to have to know, that even when those moments come, this adventure was for me. -7/14/08

"one not win fights with God" is a complex reference to a mistyping I made back in Rome. I made a sort of deal. All the elements beyond my control, which I had specified, turned up with the green light. In the end, I had to go for something greater than myself, because there was just something I needed to see out here.

Sometimes it really seems like it was because Jason needed a competent long-term sub, and I needed a shot at being a Latin teacher. Other reasons include all the people I've gotten to know here, in the various capacities I've gotten to know them.. the way I've become more myself. I'll even go so far as to say I've touched a few lives here that I never would have seen had I stayed home.

And I hope that the greater answer to the why is more obvious as time goes on.. it is evident in all that I learn, through the hard moments and the easy ones. As surely as the Italian postal service may have kept me from JET, and the failure to get in to JET is what brought us here (my roommate and I--), being here is what has prepared me so much more for JET, and for the rest of my life.

Finally, something of the 'how':

Today at lunch Dre said he was thinking of taking a year off before graduate school and moving to Kansas, to live in Lawrence. I stared at him and said, meaning it really, “Dre, if you do that, I will go with you. We can live together.” I was serious then and I’d do it, too. I figure Dre moving there is too much of a sign, too much an easy boat to float.. He also mentioned applying for JET; if he doesn't get in, then he might go to KS. I can't believe it. Where did he get such an idea? Whatever.. too good a sign to pass up. We respect one another. It’s all very good. I could totally share an apartment with him. - 8/22/07

Christy said, last night, that I am not a fool, even now; she was proud that I had the guts to fight for what I believed in. And I am too! It's not always easy, but I'm glad I came here. I have not regretted it nearly at all. Of course, there were those moments as I knew there would be, when I didn't want to be here.. but they were the kind of moments where one doesn't want to be anywhere, so those aren't the same as regretting moving to this particular town.

Correspondent Randomimity

Recently I was sitting at this computer just typing something or other when I glanced at the newspaper-like thing sitting beside me and noticed printed on that page the photo that is in the top left part of this blog. (Also the autumn correspondent to this:)

Where to?


From September.. basically the same photo as the blog header.


In September, those little sunflowers were everywhere.

I was perplexed. I mean, I am pretty sure I took that photo. How could it end up in some kind of newspaper-like thing on my table?

Well, if I sent it to them, I suppose. It turned out to be a Vandy alumni paper to which I'd submitted online a brief "I'm taking a year off and it was a great idea," statement. From this paper I also learned that one Vandy student, who was once a GHP student in 2006, is now starting a new on-campus publication. Sweet!

Anyway, while I'm at it, here are some more snow photos.

My favorite tree, winterside.

Here it is in August...

And in September!

Pretty.

I'm pretty sure I have pictures of this in the warmer months.. to be posted directly.


Here it is.. you can just see the arbor thing off to the left. This is from August.

I am entirely sure that I have a picture of this path in the late summer.. all the snow photos are from this weekend.


In August.


Another late-summer vista from that same park. Heck yeah.


This one is from September.


This is further in the park, September.

And, in October. I went on a pilgrimage all the way to the lake, that day!


And October, by the lake in that park. (It's a pretty big park, in the end.)

So yes.. many seasons in the nearest park.